just like that.

sometimes i feel like a sitting duck. a duck that's siting. and doing, but no one is seeing. i push myself so hard to be what i want, what i've dreamt of for my whole life. how a few things i have will somehow turn my life into what i thought it always would be. i think of all im doing. how i'm doing it. trying, reaching, climbing.
i remember when i was a kid i would just dream. dream everything. dream of my house, my car, my husband, my kids, my life, my goals... all i did was daydream. i still feel like i'm in a daydream. each day i still daydream. can i get there? will i get there? what do i do?

So i keep going. hoping. i can't loose hope. i can't slow down. people will see that. people will notice. so how do i do it? how i keep going and keep being myself. to let me everyone see the real me. my quirks and flaws?

i'm not trained in anything. i went to high school, i graduated. i met my hubby and had babies. i spent my teenage years in a rock band and riding horses. i had my grandparents push me to do art and i kept a few things close to me dear. i moved away from my mom at 17, and wasn't spoken too for nearly two in half years because of it.

i look back and think, wow, my life is just how i pictured but not at the same time and still, i feel like i've done SO much, but nothing at the same time. i have this insane, consuming drive to keep doing, keep pushing even when people call me down. even though that's hard and i hate it. i keep going. push past the bullcrappy to the goodcrappy... this tonight, this message inspired me to keep going.

thank you.

Bella! I just wanted to write you a quick note to tell you, your are SO Impressive!

I have one child, and two cats (and they are pretty much self-sufficient!!) and can barely keep my house clean lol. You, have two kiddos, dogs, a horse...and you are shooting (photography) and writing away. Very inspiring! and just wanted you to know. I am looking forward to reading the series  take care!